20140301

Brand new bucket list

  • Nonton SHINee live (tapi masih mau nonton lagi)
  • Nonton L'arc~en~Ciel live (idem)
  • Nonton Nell live (berarti harus balik ke Korea)
  • Nonton Epik High live (idem)
  • Pergi ke Jepang
  • liat Aurora borealis
  • Pergi ke Taman Nasional Jiuzhaigou di China
  • Pergi ke New York! (lagi. sampe puas)
  • London
  • Taj Mahal
  • Gunung Krakatau
  • Liburan sama temen-temen
  • Kerja di bidang konservasi (ini bukan bucket list kali ya tapi masukin aja)
  • Solo travel!
  • Do something sweet for someone or everyone :)
  • Adopt a cat from a shelter
  • Beli barang mewah pake duit sendiri!

Bangkit

Akhir-akhir ini hidup gue mayan gelap. Bukan apa-apa, tapi karena emang cycle kehidupan aja ternyata. Iya, ternyata. Lega banget kan menyadari kalo kesedihan dan ngerasa down itu ya emang kadang-kadang kejadian aja, bukan guenya yang lemah apa gimana. Satu hal yang pasti, perkataan "di dalam tubuh yang kuat terdapat jiwa yang sehat" itu bener. I learned it the hard way. Setiap badan gue kerasa ancur dan capek terus, pikiran juga berkelana ke tempat-tempat yang gak asik. Sisi gelap lebih gampang muncul ketika badan gak enak dihuni. Kenapa, ya? Apa karena badan gak enak dihuni, jiwa jadi pengen berkelana? Terus karena ditinggal berkelana, jadi kosong deh, terus bisikan-bisikan setan menerpa? Kok kesannya kayak plot Insidious. Hmm mungkin, bukan jiwa ya, yang berkelana. Prinsip? Idealisme? Harapan? Mereka suka pergi di kala tubuh lelah.

Karena gue udah sadar, sudah saatnya gue lebih bisa jaga kesehatan sendiri supaya pikiran juga lebih stabil, lebih sehat. Gak ada gunanya juga sering-sering main ke tempat gelap nan berbahaya. Meskipun kadang-kadang pulang bawa cerita.

Di umur yang masih terhitung muda ini, alhamdulillah gue telah menyadari pentingnya kesehatan  ini. Gue emang dari kecil agak penyakitan sih, heran juga kenapa baru sadar sekarang. Tapi gapapa, umur segini masih banyak waktu untuk memperbaiki sikap dan cara pandang.

On another note, ini lagu favorit saat ini. *Tambahin "Nonton Nell live" di bucket list :) *

20140223

Sometimes I feel like I truly hate feelings. I hate having them, I hate having to live with them. I think everything would be so much simpler if I had no feelings at all. Or, if I only have very few select feelings. Love of work and love of hobbies and a steady simmer of blankness for the rest. The thing is, I hate feelings when I have them but I hate being numb. It's crazy. Over the years, I have perfected numbness. I just completely stop caring. I can't be annoyed by whatever is it you're doing, and frankly, I couldn't care less about anybody. Anybody. Everybody. When I care less about you, I care less about me.

The thing with being numb is it's not a long term kind of thing. Every once in a while, I will combust. Everything I put aside slowly ferments into anger. Volatile, cackling fury. After anger comes suffocation.

And when suffocation ends, numbness begins.

It's not all the time that I feel the absolute hatred for emotions. Sometimes I have a glimpse of happiness, and I ride the soft waves, immersing myself in the fleeting moment.

I hate not feeling safe enough to be myself. I hate to give up the approval I have already had from the people around me if they decide I'm not as pleasant when I'm being the faulty person that I am. Hell, I hate to face the reality that I'm not as I want myself to be.

I hate rejection, and being vulnerable by showing your true emotions gives so much space for rejection, doesn't it?

I grew up to look down on people who revel in their emotions. I laugh at girls who cry in public for stupid reasons. I thought I was better than everybody because I don't have to live with petty things like fucking emotions. I have bigger things waiting for me, I have no time for emotions.

Until I realized that I can't run away, not with turning myself into a void shell of absolutely cruel.

I do not wish to be burdened by anything, yet my insistence to run away from everything that I thought have the potential to burden me is a burden of its own kind.

It is not my circumstances that make me so terrible. It is my own demons, my fears and expectations of myself that drove me over the cliff of madness.